Blog: Why Students Don’t Report Bullying (And How to Change That)

Last week I spent time at a Boston, Massachusetts, K–8 school that is implementing the CirclePoint Bullying Prevention Program. I visited several classes, and in each one, the teachers and I talked to the students about what bullying is, what they can do about bullying (whether they are targets or bystanders), and how adults can help with a bullying problem.

This last point brought up my favorite question to ask students during program implementation sessions: Why don’t students ask adults for help? This is, of course, a critical question; while most bullied students want to solve the problem on their own, they are not always successful. And bystanders who want to help a target may not want to intervene themselves. So there are times when adult intervention is necessary, but most students will not ask an adult for help. The reason why I love this question is that—although the students don’t know it—it’s a set-up.

Every time I asked the question, invariably all hands shot into the air with an eagerness that suggested the students had been waiting their whole lives for permission to enlighten adults with information that is obvious to them but for which adults are apparently oblivious. Adults make bullying problems worse, they said. Really? I replied. Then, feigning mild indignation, I asked: How? And then I just sat back and listened as the answers started rolling in.

No matter what the grade level, the students’ answers were always the same. First, adults punish aggressors, which results in increased bullying due to retribution. Second, students who tell an adult about a bullying problem may become targets themselves. Third, telling on a peer who is then punished carries a negative social cost; getting a peer in trouble is “not cool,” and the student who told may be ostracized by peers. Fourth, a target doesn’t want others to know about the problem; however, adults frequently make a big deal out of it, which makes peers aware. Fifth, once a target tells an adult, the target loses control over how the problem is handled; the target may just want to talk to an adult and get advice, not have the adult take action. Sixth, targets don’t want the aggressors to know that the bullying behavior is effective; however, the way adults confront the aggressor, by linking the punishment to the harm, does exactly that. Seventh, the reliance by adults on target or bystander reports in confronting the aggressor, and the aggressor’s desire to avoid punishment, often results in a he-said-she-said impasse where adults have no idea who is telling the truth and thus take no action. Eighth, bullying frequently occurs out of sight of adults; simply making one adult aware means that the problem will migrate to times and places where that adult is not present. Ninth, schools often require reporting of this highly personal and, to targets, sometimes embarrassing problem—one that targets at most only want to share as a whispered secret to a very trusted individual—by filling out a form and then handing it to some administrator in the office for “processing,” where, for all the target knows, it could be left out for anyone to see. And finally, adults are sometimes dismissive when students try to report a problem, or they give ineffective responses such as telling students just to ignore the aggressor.

Unfortunately, the students’ concerns about adult engagement in a bullying problem are valid. As any third grader can (and will) tell you, the way that adults traditionally deal with a bullying problem—confronting the aggressor, punishing the aggressor, and returning the aggressor to the student environment with no oversight or follow-up—does make the problem worse and stands as a barrier to bullying reporting and adult engagement. And so, when the students finished telling me how adults make the problem worse, I smiled and, to their astonishment, acknowledged that they were right. I told them that adults do get this wrong all the time. The way adults traditionally handle bullying problems is ineffective, and can be a disaster.

But that was where the whole set-up came in, as I then told the students that the school is going to change the way it handles bullying problems, and they were going to tell me if these changes made sense. They all sat forward in their chairs, eager to render their judgment.

First, I said, the school will stop immediate punitive punishment for bullying and instead will provide the aggressor with an opportunity to stop the bullying behavior in order to avoid a consequence. In other words, aggressors will be told that their behavior is inappropriate and should stop; if it does, end of story. But if it doesn’t, there will be a consequence, not a punishment. And that consequence will be the removal of the aggressor from the environment where the bullying occurs. For example, if it happens on the playground, the aggressor loses playground privileges for a period of time. If it happens in the cafeteria, the aggressor must eat lunch in another room for a period of time. And the aggressor is told up front what the consequence will be if the behavior doesn’t stop. That way, if the aggressor suffers the consequence, there is no one to blame but himself or herself. (What’s always interesting is that kids immediately understand how this works and why; I usually have to explain it to adults more than once—a blog post on this mechanism, the “Constructive Discipline Process,” is coming soon.)

But wait a second, the students always protested, who will be watching to ensure that the behavior stops? Easy, I told them. When a bullying problem is brought to the attention of an adult, he or she will make all adults in the school aware of the problem—who is involved, where and when it happens, and the behaviors used by the aggressor. This way, from the start to the end of the school day, no matter where the aggressor and target are, there will always be an adult watching to ensure the behaviors don’t continue. And the aggressor will be informed that all adults will be watching. (A blog post on this mechanism, “Chain of Custody Awareness,” is also coming soon.)

But, the students protested again, what about being called a “snitch” or a “tattletale” for reporting bullying? First, I reminded them that there would no longer be punishment for bullying, so they can’t get a peer in trouble; only the peer can get himself or herself in trouble by not stopping the behavior he or she was told to stop. But more importantly, adults will no longer just rely on what is reported to them to engage with an aggressor. Instead, after a bullying problem is reported, adults will make every effort to observe the bullying behavior themselves so that when they engage the aggressor, they are acting on what they themselves have directly witnessed. And the focus of the discussion with the aggressor is not on the harm that is occurring, which the target doesn’t want the aggressor to know, but on the aggressor’s behavior itself. Because there is no immediate punishment, there is no need for the aggressor to try to somehow blame the target or deny the behavior as a way of avoiding punishment. There is no judgment for the administrator to make about who is right; the discussion is about the aggressor’s behavior, which an adult has directly observed. And the whole matter is addressed in a single discussion, without a further need to bring in other student witnesses or make a big deal out of the issue.

So what do you think? I asked the students. Are adults now going to get it right? Have we addressed all the reasons you have for not coming to us for help? Does this new way address your concerns?

Without fail, the students in every class nodded and smiled in satisfaction. But invariably, there was always one student in each class who launched a final challenge: How are we supposed to report a bullying problem? Who are we supposed to talk to about it? My answer: Anyone you choose. Every single adult in the school, I told them, has been educated on bullying and, more importantly, sensitized to the harm it causes. Just go to any adult you trust and ask to have a private conversation. The adult will listen to you and, more importantly, will only take action if you ask him or her to; you and the adult you choose to help you will create a plan together. And those bullying reporting forms that you were told to use in the past? They’ve all been tossed into the recycling bin.

Before I left each class, I would make one final point. As effective as this new system is proving to be, adults can’t solve bullying problems by themselves. They need students to work with them. Students bear responsibility for reaching out to an adult when they need help (and when they are being truly “bullied” and not just “bothered”) and for keeping that adult who is working to resolve the problem informed of the bullying status. And students also need to understand that adults are human and may not get it right every time. We’re trying to do it right, I told the students, so please give us a chance. Trust us; we are listening and ready to help.