Parents

Bullying is when the behavior of one person or a group of people is causing emotional harm to another person. Bullying behavior is called "aggression.” It is important to keep in mind that there are two elements to bullying: aggression + emotional harm.

Definition: Bullying is when aggression causes emotional harm.

Aggression that causes emotional harm to one person may not cause harm to another person. Another person might laugh, be unaffected, feel irritated, get annoyed, or get visibly upset but not be emotionally harmed.

Important concept: Identical behavior (aggression) can have different effects on different individuals.

Because identical behavior can have different effects on different individuals, bullying cannot be determined strictly based on behavior. In other words, adults cannot judge whether bullying is occurring based on behavior alone. Behaviors that result in harm can be extremely subtle and may appear to outside observers as innocuous or benign. Whether bullying is occurring is determined by the person who is harmed by the behavior.

The behaviors that can harm others span a wide spectrum. However, for ease of discussion, these behaviors are divided into three broad categories of aggression: physical, verbal, and social-relational.

Physical aggression consists of intimidation, light physical contact, and verbal threats that are intended to make the target feel afraid.

Verbal aggression consists of insults, mockery, and antagonism that are intended to entertain peers who are watching.

Social-relational aggression (friendship harming) consists of generally covert actions such as gossiping, making up rumors, etc., that are intended to harm the friendships of the target.

Key Terms

Aggressor: The person who uses aggression against another person is called the aggressor. The person is never called a “bully,” as that is a label and dehumanizing.

Target: The person who is harmed by the aggression is called the target. The person is never called a “victim,” as that term suggests the person is helpless.

An Important Note on the Definition of Bullying: You may have seen a definition in places such as stopbullying.gov that states the bullying involves a "power imbalance" and that the harm caused by the aggressor is intentional. Neither of these two concepts is accurate. These concepts are based on research dating from the 1960's. There is a growing recognition among researchers that these concepts are no longer valid. Please see the next section, "Why Kids Bully," which explains the modern understanding of the drivers of bullying.Bullying Basics – Start Here!

One of the biggest myths about bullying is that kids use aggression to intentionally cause harm. This is simply not true. The aggression used in bullying is actually normal and natural behavior that is used by kids to increase, maintain, or protect their social status (popularity) among peers. In other words, the aggression that is used in bullying is “pro-social” aggression. It is intended to provide a social benefit to the aggressor. Pro-social aggression is also used to strengthen the bonds between individuals in peer groups.

We know from research that pro-social aggression is not used with an intent to cause harm. Starting around 3^rd grade for boys and as early as kindergarten for girls, social status (popularity among peers) becomes the top priority for approximately 75% of students. Social status is so important that 33% of students will put social status as a priority over friendships (which is why friends will not help someone who is being bullied). In addition, nearly all pro-social aggression occurs in front of peers. In other words, the aggressor always has an audience. The reason for this is that peers provide an individual with social status.

How does pro-social aggression work to improve status? In physical aggression, the aggressor tries to gain the respect of witnesses by making the target appear afraid. The aggressor makes that target think that he or she is going to be physically harmed. The aggressor does not intend harm but wants the audience of peers to witness the target’s fear. The fear suggests to those witnessing the aggression that the aggressor is a person to be feared. Physical aggression provides the aggressor with respect from peers.

In verbal aggression, the aggressor mocks or taunts the target in order to appear clever and entertain peers. The aggressor is simply seeking peer approval. The reaction of the target is actually not important. The audience of peers will admire the aggressor no matter how the target reacts or feels. The target, however, can make the aggression even more effective by getting visibly upset, which can provide greater social benefits to the aggressor.

Social-relational aggression is used primarily by girls for one of two reasons. One reason is to get back at someone for an offense. It is a way of trying to get justice without confronting the offender directly. The second reason is for the aggressor to deal with what she perceives as a social threat. The aggressor may view the target as someone who could reduce her popularity by drawing the attention of others away from her. Usually the aggressor perceives a characteristic of the target as providing the target with a social advantage. In other words, the target has something the aggressor doesn’t that can make the target more popular. This advantage can include such things as attractiveness to others, an ability to make friends, a special skill, excellence in sports or academics, or a nice possession such as a new car.

In social-relational aggression, the aggressor launches a “campaign” against the target, which involves getting friends and others (participants) to no longer be friends with the target. The aggression is usually conducted covertly, so the target has no idea it is happening until her friendships have been harmed. The aggressor may make up rumors about the target, create a club that specifically excludes the target, or act in other ways that turn friends against the target. The ultimate goal of the aggressor is to leave the target socially isolated, with no friends. An aggressor who launches a campaign to get back at a friend succeeds when the target is upset from the loss of friendships. An aggressor who succeeds against a social threat feels reassured that the isolated target is no longer a social threat.Why Kids Bully

Cyberbullying is not a type of bullying but rather a means of bullying. Cyberbullying is the delivery of aggression to a target using technology or social media (e.g., Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, email, texts). A tweet from an aggressor to a target saying “see you in gym class” where the aggressor routinely bullies the target using physical aggression is still physical aggression. An insult made in a Facebook post visible to other members of the class is still verbal aggression. An Instagram to a target showing the aggressor and their friends having fun without the target is still social-relational aggression.

Cyberbullying is extremely effective and problematic for a number of reasons:

1. Constant contact: Technology and social media channels allow students to interact around the clock, allowing bullying to occur nonstop.
2. Broad audience: Social media channels, with their broad reach, provide large audiences to aggressors, a necessary element in bullying.
3. Addictive: Social media is literally addictive; students look at their devices constantly, hoping for a new message or information. Even students who are bullied using social media channels are generally unable to stop looking at their devices or turn them off. Cyberbullying essentially eliminates “safe time” for targets who have online access.
4. Invisible to adults: Cyberbullying can be invisible to adults. Unless adults are monitoring the social media channels of students, they may be completely unaware of bullying that is occurring in their presence.
5. Anonymity: Aggressors and supporters are able to use technology to direct aggression at others while remaining anonymous.

Bullying can be challenging to resolve because the perspectives of those involved often differ significantly:

• To the target, who is harmed by aggression, the behavior can seem mean, cruel, and intentionally harmful. In addition, only the target can say if harm is occurring.
• To the aggressor, who initiates the aggression that causes harm, the purpose of the behavior is not to harm but to improve his or her own social status (to make the aggressor more popular). In addition, because targets frequently hide the pain and try to appear unaffected by the aggression, the aggressor often has no visible indicator that his or her behavior is causing harm. Even when a target gets visibly upset, the aggressor does not know if the target is annoyed or deeply hurt. And finally, aggressors often direct identical aggression toward multiple individuals. It may be puzzling to a child why aggression directed toward one person causes harm but the same type of aggression does not harm another person.
• To adults, the aggression used may not appear to be harmful. Bullying incidents in isolation may appear to be just part of the normal, natural, and constant aggression that makes up much of the social interactions of students. Further, the harm caused by bullying is not just that it can make a student feel flawed, but bullying makes a student feel rejected by peers. An adult may think that a target is upset over being teased about something, which may be easy to get over, but the pain is caused by feeling rejected by the social rejection, a connection adults may not make.

Another reason why bullying problems can be challenging to solve are the traditional approaches to resolving bullying problems and the legacy bullying prevention programs that some schools are using. These approaches and programs involve school administrator investigations where the administrator is caught between claims of harm by targets and denials by aggressors. The challenge that administrators face when they use traditional approaches and legacy bullying prevention programs is that they must make a judgment in favor of either the target or the aggressor. However, in most cases both the target and the aggressor are right. The target is suffering harm (being bullied) while the aggressor is simply trying to boost his or her own social status. There is no malicious intent on the part of the aggressor, but the pain suffered by the target is real and needs to be addressed.

Further, schools that use legacy approaches and programs frequently use punitive consequences (i.e., punishment such as detention and suspension) for bullying. Punishment, however, is counterproductive and almost always makes the problem worse. To aggressors, who do not intend harm, punishment is viewed as an injustice. They will often retaliate against the target. The punishment of a peer can actually cause the target to lose even more social status in the peer group; peers will view the target negatively for getting someone in trouble. And punishment can actually enhance the popularity of the aggressor. It can be “cool” to be punished, especially for using pro-social aggression against a target for whom the peer group has gotten used to rejecting.

For parents, the process is extremely frustrating. The parents of targets want the bullying to stop and often desire justice in the form of punishment for the aggression (which, incidentally, is ineffective and only serves to make the problem worse). The parents of aggressors frequently believe the protestations and denials of their children, which leads to an antagonistic relationship with school administrators.

The following guidelines can help to quickly resolve bullying problems in a way that is satisfactory to all involved:

• Administrators should not punish aggressors, as punishment is legitimately viewed by the aggressors (and their parents) as unfair and often results in retaliation against the target and the problem becoming much worse.
• Parents of the target should not push for punishment of the aggressor. Punishment will make the problem worse for the target. Targets understand this and will generally not want the aggressor punished.
• Parents of the target should work with educators to ensure that the aggression directed against their child stops and that there is a constructive consequence for the aggressor if it doesn’t. Educators should actively monitor the target and aggressor, particularly during times of free social engagement (such as lunch and recess), to ensure the aggression stops. The aggressor should know that adults are watching and further that he or she will be removed from the environment if it doesn’t. Parents should ask their children daily if the aggression has stopped and report any instances where it has not. (Note: the target should not be the one to be removed from the environment. Removing the target or making the target change his or her routine essentially has the target suffering a consequence due to the action of the aggressor.) The parents of the aggressor should partner with educators to help change the behavior of their child so that the aggression stops.

Bullying can be a confusing topic for kids for a number of reasons. First, the term “bullying” neither describes behavior nor describes how a person feels because of that behavior. The term describes a situation that involves both behavior and harm. Kids usually use the term to refer to behavior. Second, research shows that while students may know what bullying is in concept, they don’t recognize when their own behavior creates a bullying situation. And that is perfectly understandable as the intent of their behavior is not to cause harm but to benefit themselves socially. The reaction of peers is immediate and obvious to the aggressor; however, targets frequently hide their emotions. In other words, the aggressor can see the benefit he or she receives but cannot see the harm that is being caused. The aggressor may think, “But everyone thinks it’s funny! We’re just having fun.” And extremely challenging is when a target tries to hide his or her pain by laughing along with everyone. In addition, the behavior that causes harm may be very subtle and to an outside observer may appear innocuous. Kids might wonder, “How can just looking at a person and sneering be bullying?”

When talking to a child using aggressive behavior, explain that bullying is when his or her behavior makes someone very upset. It doesn’t matter if the intent of the behavior is to have fun, make others laugh, or demonstrate “toughness.” A child might protest that the behavior is “no big deal” or “how can it possibly make the target upset?” Agree that some kids might not be affected or harmed by the behavior and might find it funny. But everyone is different and some kids are affected differently, and the aggressor has to accept that the behavior is causing harm.

For girls using social-relational aggression, find out whether the aggression is conflict-driven or if the aggressor perceives the target to be a threat to her own popularity. If conflict-driven, talk about the nature of the conflict and how to address conflict in a more constructive way. If social-threat driven, find out why she feels threatened by the target and talk about the positive characteristics that she has herself. Explain that her actions are hurting the friendships of another person and to think about how she would feel if she were the target of social-relational aggression.

If your child is a target, explain why kids use bullying behavior so your child understands that the bullying is not personal and that he or she is not flawed. Empathize about how horrible it must be to feel rejected by peers. Please see Actions to Take to Prevent Bullying for more information on how to help targets of bullying.

Parents should not wait until their child is involved in a bullying problem to take action. There are many things a parent can do to help a child to better deal with aggression that he or she will inevitably face. Helping a child to understand aggression and how it is used can help the child avoid becoming involved in a bullying problem, increase the chances he or she will reach out for help if needed, and make better decisions when witnessing or being asked to participate in bullying.

Educate yourself. Understanding bullying is essential to delivering effective solutions. The Bullying Basics—Start Here! section provides a high-level overview. The CirclePoint program student guides, however, can provide a more comprehensive education that are from the perspective of students. Please see Recommended Resources for more information.

Ask your child how he or she is doing at school. Don’t ask if he or she is “being bullied,” as many children don’t recognize when they are being bullied. Ask if anyone is being mean or giving your child a hard time. Focus on how others are making your child feel. In particular, ask about how things are going during times when students are free to interact, such as during lunch and recess. Social interaction time is when the majority of bullying occurs. Ask about who your child sits with at lunch or what happened on the playground. Don’t turn the questioning into an interrogation. Just check in now and then to see how things are going.

Let your child know that you are available to help if needed. Don’t wait until your child has a problem before letting him or her know that you are there to help. Not only should you say that you will be there if needed, but also say that you and your child will solve any problems together. Many children will not report bullying or interpersonal problems out of fear that their parent will take immediate action. Let your child know that you will listen first and together you will decide what, if any, action to take. Let your child know that you will talk about it without judgment and you will listen to his or her concerns. And if action is necessary, you will develop a plan together. It is important to let your child know that you will not take action unless you discuss it first.

Talk to your child about aggression and how it works. Help your child to understand the types of aggression and why kids use them. Talk about instances of aggression that they have faced and what the aggression was trying to do.

Talk to your child about ways to respond to aggression that can render it ineffective. Most children naturally react to aggression in a way that makes it effective. But children can learn ways to thoughtfully respond to aggression that eliminates the benefits to the aggressor, which can get it to stop. Review the responses listed in one of the student guides (see Recommended Resources). You and your child can even role-play a few examples. Not only will reviewing responses help your child when faced with aggression, but a child who understands why aggression is used is less likely to think the bullying is his or her fault and feel weak or ashamed. Feeling this way can make children reluctant to report bullying problems.

Encourage indirect bystander intervention or non-participation. Bystanders (those who witness bullying) arguably have the most power to stop bullying, as they explicitly or implicitly reward aggressors with higher social status. However, children will not step in and stop bullying incidents as doing so can carry a social cost and put the child at risk of becoming a bullying target. A child should never be told to directly intervene in a bullying problem. However, the child can be encouraged to indirectly intervene, which carries minimal risk. Indirect interventions, which are described in the student guides (see Recommended Resources), allow a child to help a target or try to get an aggressor to stop the bullying with minimal risk. If a child is not able to act indirectly, the child should be strongly encouraged not to participate. Children should not join in, should not stand by the side of the aggressor or use body language that suggests he or she supports the aggressor, and should not take actions to harm someone’s friendships or reputation among peers. Although intervention or non-participation is the right thing to do, inaction in the face of bullying is natural and normal. A child who does not take action should not be judged as only that child fully understands the risks involved.

Now and then, check in. Periodically ask how things are going; ask if kids are being nice or if anyone is being mean to your child or another child in the peer group. Avoid using the word “bullying” in these conversations; remember, sometimes students do not recognize aggressive behavior as bullying, and bullied students can feel ashamed and are reluctant to admit to being bullied. Check-ins are especially important if your child is starting at a new school or camp. Remember, listen to your child.

Be aware of changes in mood. A student who starts to be bullied may exhibit changes in behavior, such as becoming withdrawn, refusing to go to school, becoming easily upset, etc. When this occurs, check in and add a few specific questions. Ask how things are going with friends and ask what activities are happening on the playground (a common place for bullying to occur) and who he or she sits with at lunch (another common bullying location). At the end of the conversation, give a gentle reminder that you are there to help if needed.

Proactively raise Chain of Custody Awareness. If you have a child who has been bullied in the past and for whatever reason tends to become a target of aggression (e.g., your child has a disability, has a height or weight that differs significantly from the peer group average, or has another unique characteristic) and is starting a new school, camp, or other activity involving peer groups, inform adults who monitor your child that he or she has been a target in the past and ask them to be more sensitive to aggression directed at your child.

Take additional actions if you are parents of a daughter. Bullying using social-relational aggression can be challenging to address and resolve. It is hard to detect, and often the damage is done before the target is even aware that she is being bullied. The best solution to social-relational aggression is to prevent it from starting; once started it can be hard to stop and the damage to friendships can be permanent or take a long time to repair. If bullying has started, a girl must take action! The normal and natural reaction is to pretend it is not happening and hope it will stop. A girl must actively respond in order to get it to stop. The detailed prevention and counteraction responses are listed in the CirclePoint student guides. Parents should also encourage two key relational aggression prevention techniques: 1. Encourage your daughter to directly address conflict and even practice the empowerment techniques related to directly addressing conflict if possible. She should do this everywhere, not just at school and with friends. 2. Encourage your daughter to create a circle of friends. Having more than just one best friend will reduce the risk of your child suddenly finding herself friendless as a result of social-relational aggression and creates a support group of friends for when a friendship does change. Parents should also read Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons, a groundbreaking work that describes how girls use social-relational aggression. See Recommended Resources for more information.

Recognize ways that children may indicate they are being bullied:

Admission: “The kids at school are bullying/being mean to me.”

Roundabout: “There’s this one guy who is giving me trouble.” In this approach, your child may even try to say it like a joke as a hedge against not being taken seriously.

Tangential: “Mom, I wasn’t invited to Becky’s party” or “I don’t hang out with Becky anymore.” Without words: Child just stands there sad, wanting parent to ask questions.

Characteristic-focused: “I hate my [characteristic, e.g., nose]/I wish I were different.”

Direct: “I have a problem. Can you help me?” or “Can I talk to you about something?”

Always take a request for help seriously. If your child comes to you and asks for help, listen with your full attention. Your child may come to you with a problem that you don’t believe is serious. Even if you don’t believe the problem is significant, take action; asking for help can be a very hard step for a child to take. If your child is not taken seriously the first time, he or she may not come to you for help again. In addition, a child’s perspective on a problem can be quite different from an adult’s; give your child the benefit of the doubt. Please note that some children do confuse “bullying” (resulting in emotional harm) with “bothering” (resulting in annoyance); even if that is the case, take the request seriously and act. Not only will your child feel good that you are taking action and know that he or she can rely on you for help, but you can also use the resolution process as an opportunity to help educate your child on the difference.

If you suspect your child is being bullied, share the information that makes you concerned. Describe the behavior (“you seem to be down lately”) or social changes (“you haven’t been hanging out with Becky lately”) you’ve observed to see if your child agrees. Avoid using the word “bullying” in the conversation; a child who is being bullied may not realize it or may feel responsible for the bullying. If you cannot determine if bullying is occurring or if your child does not want to talk, let him or her know that you are available to help if there is a problem and check in again later.

It is very upsetting to parents when their child is being bullied. However, bullying problems can be resolved and are a great learning opportunity for all involved. Students face aggression throughout their school years and beyond, so use the resolution of this bullying problem as a learning experience for any future problems.

Please note that the following recommendations and suggestions are general guidelines. Every bullying case is unique, and parents should always use their best judgment and take actions that they feel are most appropriate.

1. Take a deep breath. You may feel upset and anxious, but emotion can affect objectivity and can hinder resolution of the problem. Being upset is normal and natural, but don’t let it interfere with a positive outcome.
2. Believe your child about how he or she is feeling. It is very important to targets that someone listens to them and believes them.
3. First empathize, then investigate. While you may be tempted to immediately want to gather facts and information, first empathize. Let your child know that you understand how awful he or she must feel. Validate your child’s feelings. You can also share a personal bullying experience of your own to illustrate that you understand how awful being bullied can be.
4. Be your child’s champion. While you will be working with educators and others to get this problem to stop, you cannot simply expect that others will resolve this problem for you or make it their top priority. You must stay on top of the problem until it is resolved. And learn the details of the problem so you can accurately represent your child. Schools may sometimes not get the facts right or may seek to portray the problem in a way that minimizes the responsibility or actions of the aggressor or of educators.
5. Educate your child. Pro-social aggression is used to provide the aggressor with social benefits. However, there are ways to respond to aggression that can reduce or eliminate the social benefits. If your child understands how bullying works and learns responses that can eliminate the social benefits, he or she may be able to get the bullying to stop. The CirclePoint program guides describe these responses that can make the aggression ineffective. See Recommended Resources for more information on these guides.
6. Check in daily with your child. Find out how he or she is doing and if the aggression has stopped. If not, it may be necessary to report it to the child’s school.
7. Help to expand your child’s social network. Bullying makes a child feel rejected from his or her peers. In addition, students who are socially isolated or have few friends may have the lowest social status in their peer groups and are more likely to be the target of pro-social aggression. They are easy targets because they have little peer support. Any actions that you can take to expand your child’s social network, such as setting up playdates, can help improve his or her social status.
8. Protect against cyberbullying. Unless parents are monitoring their child’s social media, cyberbullying can be completely invisible to adults. This is unfortunate and dangerous as cyberbullying can be the most effective (harmful) way to bully a target. If your child is the target of cyberbullying, ask him or her to provide examples, and make screen prints or screenshots for documentation. This documentation can help demonstrate that the bullying is occurring and involves social media and technology channels. Consider subscribing to a service that helps parents to monitor their children’s social media and online experiences. Please see Recommended Resources.
9. Engage local law enforcement if necessary. Although it is always best to resolve bullying cases through your school, there may be circumstances where engaging law enforcement is necessary. You should consider engaging law enforcement if the aggressor seriously harms your child, causes material damage to your property, or if the bullying is causing serious emotional harm and your child’s school is not effectively resolving the problem. But engagement of law enforcement is, in our opinion, always a last resort and should be initiated only under specific circumstances, i.e., when the aggressor has committed a serious crime in the course of the bullying.
10. Only engage the parents of the aggressor in certain circumstances. The school should manage the resolution process and parent engagement. However, if you know the aggressor’s parents and believe they may be objective and supportive, then by all means reach out. Plenty of bullying cases have been resolved when the parents of the aggressor and parents of the target work collaboratively on solving the problem. However, if you don’t know the aggressor’s parents, it is recommended that you do not proactively engage them and leave that engagement to the school.
11. Do not directly engage with the aggressor. You should not engage the aggressor, no matter how helpful you feel doing so could be. Educators and the parents of the aggressor should be the only ones to engage the aggressor.

Parents of aggressors often have conflicted feelings. On the one hand, they have a good problem in that their child is using aggression in a socially skillful way. On the other hand, their child is causing harm, however inadvertent, to another person, and the benefit the child receives from the aggression may override the knowledge that it is causing harm and make the aggression difficult to stop. Parents of an aggressor need to understand this problem as one of education and behavioral change to help their child understand the effects of his or her behavior and the need to stop that behavior. 

Please note that the following recommendations and suggestions are general guidelines. Every bullying case is unique, and parents should always use their best judgment and take actions that they feel are most appropriate.

1. Take a deep breath. Being told that your child is bullying another person can be upsetting. Natural reactions include getting angry with your child and a desire to punish the child. Parents may also feel angry at the school, as though the information is an indictment of their child. Some parents may even feel as though the child’s bullying is a poor reflection on them and/or their parenting. An emotional response is normal but can hinder problem resolution. A parent must remain objective.
2. Get all the information from the school about where the aggression occurs, when it occurs, what kind of aggression is involved, if any other students were involved, and how the school plans to handle it. If the school uses the CirclePoint program, the school will offer your child the opportunity to change behavior without a consequence. If your child does not stop the behavior, he or she will face a constructive consequence, one designed to provide him or her with a strong incentive to stop. Also, all adults will be watching the behavior of your child and the target when they are together to ensure no further instances of aggression occur (this is known as Chain of Custody Awareness).
3. Understand that your child is using aggression to help him or herself, not intentionally to hurt others. The use of pro-social aggression demonstrates that a child has developed and is using social skills. He or she is naturally trying to positively change his or her social status and is not intending harm. But recognize that while your child is not intending harm, your child’s behavior is resulting in harm to another student.
4. Understand that your child’s behavior needs to change. No matter the reason why your child is using the behavior, he or she cannot continue to use aggression against the target. And although the benefits of the behavior might make changing it difficult, he or she must change it.
5. Recognize that because your child is not intending harm and because he or she may be directing identical aggression against others with no ill effect, your child may not think that his or her aggression is a big deal. If so, he or she needs to understand how aggression can affect individuals differently and that in this case the aggression is causing harm. He or she cannot shrug off or dismiss the aggression as no big deal.
6. Understand that you yourself cannot judge the seriousness of the problem based on your child’s actions alone. It is how the target feels that determines the seriousness of the problem. Even subtle actions by your child can harm the target. The harm is based on feeling flawed, powerless, and rejected by the peer group. Very subtle actions by a very popular student can result in these feelings.
7. Talk to your child about the problem. Start off on a positive note, expressing that the conversation is about behavior, not about the child. Let your child explain his or her actions. Express your understanding that aggression is normal and natural. Then express that the behavior is inappropriate and must stop because it is causing harm. Be prepared to hear denials and justifications or a minimizing of the behavior due to shame, fear of a consequence, or simply a different perspective. Make it clear, however, that no matter what drives the behavior or how inconsequential your child views the behavior, the behavior is harmful and must stop.
8. If your child expresses contempt for the target, humanize the target. Let your child know that the target is a person, no different from his or her friends. Also understand the contempt is learned and that you can teach a different view of the characteristic for which your child feels contempt.
9. If your child’s school uses the CirclePoint program, reiterate the constructive consequence that will be applied by the school if the behavior does not stop (and any other district or state-mandated consequences such as district reporting). Remind your child that the adults he or she is with during the day have been made aware of the problem and will be monitoring for any future aggression.
10. Understand, and help your child to understand, that only the target can tell if harm is occurring, and the target must be believed. It is not for your child to say how the target should feel or whether the target has a right to be upset.
11. Do not punish your child. Punishment is counterproductive. Since your child did not intend harm and was using the aggression for his or her own benefit, being punished will be viewed as unfair and unjust. Your child may feel a desire to retaliate against the target for getting punished. In addition, it may be confusing to your child to be punished for behavior directed against one person but not for that same behavior directed against others. Instead of punishment, use constructive discipline (the Constructive Discipline Process is a CirclePoint program mechanism). Constructive discipline provides the aggressor with an opportunity to avoid a consequence if he or she changes behavior. Let your child know that there will be no consequence at home if the behavior changes. However, if the school reports that the aggression has continued, your child will have a consequence. And that consequence should be a loss of social time with friends. Social time is the most important time for a child who is using pro-social aggression. A child should not be restricted from an activity, but rather from engagement with friends, particularly if the friends were involved in the bullying. A child should know the consequence in advance as this serves to motivate the child to change his or her behavior.
12. Find out what the school policy is for aggression. If the school does not use the CirclePoint program, ensure that the school not punish your child, as punishment can make the problem worse (as described above). It is strongly recommended that the school use the Constructive Discipline Process. In addition, the school should provide heightened monitoring of your child via Chain of Custody Awareness. Knowing that adults will be monitoring for aggression is a strong incentive for your child to change his or her behavior. It can help your child to refrain from using aggression against the target. An explanation of how these mechanisms work can be found in the Program Summary document on the Materials page of this website.
13. Support your child’s school administrators. Let administrators know that you understand the problem and support their efforts. Let your child know that you will support the school administrators in the actions that they take as your child’s behavior must stop. And let the school administrators know that they can convey to the parents of the target that you recognize the problem and fully support efforts to get your child’s behavior to change.
14. Be aware of any cyberbullying that your child may be doing. Cyberbullying is one of the most effective (harmful) ways of bullying a target. Social media channels allow bullying to occur easily, secretly, and effectively. If your child has used social media or technology to bully another person, let your child know that a consequence of further cyberbullying will be a loss of online or social media access. If a child continues to cyberbully, take away devices for a period of time or strictly limit device use to what is needed for school or required for communication (such as calling parents).
15. Monitor your child’s use of technology and social media. If your child has cyberbullied, we highly recommend that you review your child’s communications involving social media and use monitoring technology. A consequence of cyberbullying should be parental review of social media for a period of time (e.g., a week). Following that time period, you should use a monitoring service that allows your child a measure of privacy and freedom while alerting you to instances of cyberbullying. Please see Recommended Resources for more on social media monitoring.
16. Be aware of any bullying problems that may be occurring at home that might drive your child to bully another person at school. Sometimes a child will bully another if that child is being bullied. A child who is being bullied by a sibling, for example, or even another adult in the household may lead that child to bully another person in order to compensate for the loss of self-esteem and feeling of powerlessness from being bullied. Reassess your child’s relationships with others outside of the school to determine if your child is a target. If so, make getting the aggression directed against your child to stop a priority. See What to Do If Your Child Is a Target.
17. Only engage the parents of the target in certain circumstances. The school should manage the resolution process and parent engagement. However, if you know the target’s parents and believe they may be objective and supportive, then by all means reach out. Plenty of bullying cases have been resolved when the parents of the aggressor and parents of the target work collaboratively on solving the problem. However, if you don’t know the target’s parents, it is recommended that you do not proactively engage them and leave that engagement to the school.
18. Do not directly engage with the target. You should not engage the target, no matter how helpful you feel doing so could be. Educators and the parents of the target should be the only ones to engage the target.

Resolving a bullying problem can be challenging for schools. Schools where the administrators use legacy programs and approaches may have a traditional mindset where an investigation and outcome need to result in a judgment in favor of one student or the other. In addition, the identification of and reporting on bullying problems is not yet generally viewed as a positive sign that schools have created an environment where students are comfortable coming forward for help. Schools may wish to avoid acknowledgment of a bullying problem due to the reporting that would then be required. There also is a stigma that comes with bullying incidents due to myths about bullying and the legalist approach many states have taken in terms of making bullying a crime. While well-intentioned, laws against bullying are extremely unhelpful and the actions by state legislators and others to use the legal code to somehow prevent bullying make the job of the educator more difficult. Parents need to be aware that district and state mandates and legal codes may hamper or restrict the efforts of school administrators and limit what administrators are able to do. The CirclePoint program is actually designed to work with these challenges, allowing educators to effectively resolve bullying problems while working within externally imposed constraints.

Parents can help educators in resolving a bullying problem. Parents should make every effort to work constructively and in partnership with their child’s school. Before suggesting actions for the school to take, parents should find out in detail what the school plans on doing since the school may have an effective approach. Parents can help administrators by giving them an opportunity to resolve the problem using their method.

A parent should try to avoid using the terms “bully” and “bullying,” especially in writing. As absurd as it sounds, the use of these terms, especially in an email to a public school administrator, can make a problem more difficult to solve as these can be trigger words that require the administrator to take certain actions, such as file a district report. This can actually hinder the resolution of the problem. An administrator may have an incentive to minimize the reporting of bullying problems to the district. If the problem is characterized as one of bullying, the administrator may be inclined to make a judgment that the problem is not one of bullying or to present the facts and findings of an investigation in a way that makes the situation appear not to be bullying. Instead, a parent should use different language that does not include these trigger words, e.g., “a problem of aggression directed by one student against another.” A careful use of language may enable an administrator to resolve the problem more easily. Of course, if the school is not succeeding in solving the problem or if you feel you are not making progress, then you may wish to use those terms in order to formally document the problem via written communication.

For the parents of targets: When working with school administrators on a problem, be clear that the goal is to get the aggression against your child to stop. Acknowledge that punishment of the aggressor can make the problem worse and that the goal is to get the aggressor and any supporters to change their behavior. Do not insist on punishment for the aggressor. Recognize that your child does not want the aggressor punished but simply to have the aggression stop.

Further, your child needs to feel safe at all times. Review how your child’s school creates awareness of the problem among adults and ensures heightened monitoring is provided to ensure that the aggression has stopped. Ensure that all adults that your child is with from the start of the day to the end of the day are aware of the problem and will monitor to ensure the aggression has stopped. The CirclePoint program highly recommends that educators use the program’s Constructive Discipline Process and Chain of Custody Awareness mechanisms to ensure that the aggression stops and proper monitoring is provided. Chain of Custody Awareness benefits the target in that he or she will feel safer knowing that adults are aware, are watching, and will intervene if they see further aggression. Further, the aggressor is also informed that all adults will be watching for aggression, which provides both a deterrent and an incentive to stop. More information about the mechanisms can be found in the section The CirclePoint Program on the Parent Portal.

While your child’s school may pledge to make changes, you must be vigilant. Ask the school to provide a status on adult observations a week following administrator action to address the problem. Asking for a status report will help to ensure that the problem is kept in mind by educators. Also, check in with your child on a daily basis to find out if the aggression continued or if any changes that administrators said they would make have actually occurred. If any aggression happened, find out the details (time, place(s), and who was involved) and report that to the school. When you make the report, have the school confirm that they will heighten their monitoring in the place(s) where the aggression occurred.

Although you should make every effort to resolve the problem through the school, there may be cases where it is appropriate to engage local law enforcement. If the aggression involves serious physical harm, material damage to property, or does not appear to be adequately resolved through the school, consider reaching out to local law enforcement for assistance.

For the parents of aggressors: The Why Kids Bully section describes how aggression is used not to intentionally harm others but for the social benefit of the aggressor. When working with school administrators on a problem, acknowledge your child’s behavior but discuss his or her intent. Schools are starting to come around and recognize how punishment for a student who uses pro-social aggression can feel unjust and unfair to the aggressor and is counterproductive. Discuss the solution to the problem as a behavioral change exercise with the goal of getting your child to stop the aggression. Pledge to support the school in talking to your child about how his or her behavior may be harming another child. Some schools, such as those that use the CirclePoint program, may use the Constructive Discipline Process, where the aggressor is given a chance to stop behavior to avoid a consequence. The consequence is the loss of social time where the aggression continues, for example at lunch or on the playground. Help your child to understand that whether the consequence is applied is up to him or her.

If the school does not use the CirclePoint program, insist on a constructive consequence. Ask that the principal give your child an opportunity to avoid a consequence if the aggression stops. Pledge to support the principal in applying a consequence if it does not stop. If cyberbullying is involved, support the school in restricting your child’s online access and to social media for a period of time until the aggression has been confirmed to have stopped.

Ask that the school use chain of custody monitoring. A CirclePoint mechanism, Chain of Custody Awareness, involves notifying all adults who are with the aggressor and target from the start of the day to the end of the day so these adults can provide heightened monitoring to ensure the aggression has stopped and stop it and report it if it doesn’t. Chain of Custody Awareness benefits the aggressor in that knowing adults are watching provides an extra incentive for the aggressor to stop, even if he or she is tempted to try and gain the resulting social benefits.

If your child has been cyberbullying, a constructive consequence is the loss of social media devices and access for a period of time. This may be challenging if a child needs a phone to keep in contact with you or has to go online to complete schoolwork. If your child continues to cyberbully after he or she has pledged to stop, take away the device, prevent online access, or restrict access to the applications used and verify that no further cyberbullying has occurred by checking your child’s devices. In addition, there are technologies that can help you monitor your child’s online activity and can alert you to cyberbullying. Please see Recommended Resources for more information.